


dear dean.

by starsandskies



Series: Letters of Love, Apologies and Everything in Between [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Feelings, Fluff, M/M, Mention of Sam Winchester - Freeform, POV Castiel, loads and loads of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-13
Updated: 2013-08-13
Packaged: 2017-12-23 09:45:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/924875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsandskies/pseuds/starsandskies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel writes a letter to Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	dear dean.

_Dear Dean,_

If I admitted to you how much I needed you, you’d run. You’d run and not look back because I think it’s pathetic to need someone as much as I do. You’d tell me I was stupid and that I was blind. I’d nod my head and pretend to agree just so I didn’t reach out and shake you, make you see what I see. Make you see the man that you are, the man that you’re going to be.

You’re all green eyes and lazy smiles and classic cars. You are movie references (that I don’t quite understand) and heavy music and cherry pie. You sleep with one eye open, one hand on your shotgun and one leg over the covers because you don’t like to get too hot. You dream and you frown and your chest rises and falls and I can’t help but wonder what you’re dreaming about. I can’t see anymore but when I look at you, still not relaxed, I know that you’re in pain. I can tell that the screaming doesn’t stop. It won’t stop. But I want to make it stop. For you.

I don’t know how to make you see yourself the way others see you. I want to show you how _Sam_ sees you. He looks at you with admiration because you’ve never promised him something and then not delivered. You’ve held him through his nightmares, watched over him and cried with him when your father would leave unexpectedly. He took his first steps towards you and his first words consisted of a broken utterance of your name. Even now, over thirty years later, he’s still not stopped calling for you. Sure, he’s taller now and he sulks a little more but he’s still the same boy you used to hold when you were children.  The desperation in his voice when he thinks he’s lost you for good is still there and he won’t admit it to anyone but himself but you couldn’t be a better brother to him even if you tried. To Sam, you are brave and you kept it together when everything else around you was falling apart. You did it when you were children and you’ve carried that weight on your shoulders all the way to adulthood. He can never thank you enough.

I know it doesn’t matter how I see you but to me, you are a hero. A hero who is fiercely loyal and protective over his family because he knows that’s the right thing to do. A hero who would risk his life for a broken angel like me, a hero who can’t see the effect he has on those around him, the ones he’s saved. You think that you’re undeserving and you think you’re worthless but the fractures and the cracks that run through your tired and weary bones are what make you whole. Every artist’s work is flawed but that doesn’t lessen the beauty of them and Dean Winchester, you are no exception.

I’ve done such bad things and I’ve let you down too many times but you always _saw_ me. You came back for me and forgave me and gave me something to hold onto. It was either a look or the curve of your lips or the brush of your hand against my own and it was small but it didn’t matter because I knew I hadn’t lost you. I knew I had a _home_ to go back to even though my destruction caused so much death. And then you’d make a joke I didn’t understand but I’d laugh anyway because seeing you so free, so happy even for just a moment eased some of the guilt I felt when I looked into your eyes. Those green eyes that had shed so many tears, held so much emotion. I want to tell you how much I like the way you look at me, like you’ve finally found the thing you’ve lost, like I’m going to break if you stare too hard but I’m afraid you’ll think it’s a chick-flick moment. I know how much you hate those.

When I raised you from perdition, I did it because it was written, because it was your destiny. But then I saw the way your soul shined brighter than anything else I’d ever laid eyes on – so pure and full of promise, and I knew you deserved it. Even if saving you hadn’t been commanded, I would have done it anyway because once I looked; I found it difficult to tear myself away from you.

No part of me ever believed that I would fall down to Earth and feel so utterly dependent on someone. The thought of loving someone so destructively, so passionately had never crossed my mind. And then I did things I never thought I would do. I killed my own and I rebelled and I hunted and everything I believed about Heaven vanished the second I let myself get close to you. When I killed, I thought I was damned. When I let the Leviathans in, I believed that my soul was gone but I didn’t care. The only thing that truly mattered to me was you. I prayed, every night, that you wouldn’t turn your back on me and I hoped that you still wanted me around. When I saw your face when I returned from Purgatory, relieved and smiling and confused all in one go, I felt the missing parts of me return. The realisation that I wasn’t welcome in Heaven almost tore me apart but all the looks and the touches and the words made me see that you are my own version of home.

Dean Winchester, I fell long before Heaven took my grace. And maybe my soul is damned to an eternity in Hell but none of that matters because I get to say _I had you_. The pain of hellfire is nothing compared to losing you for good and God knows how close I’ve come to that. I know that I gripped you tight and brought you back but you held me as equally as tight and saved my soul. You showed me the meaning of truly needing someone; you removed the blindfold from my eyes and taught me how to _live._

Because of you, I now know that love means _we’re family; I need you_ and _don’t ever change._ It means _I’d rather have you, cursed or not_. It’s _I’ll be your wings_ whispered at night and gentle touches and longing looks. It’s waiting for Sam to leave so you can bruise my hips and sink your teeth into the skin of my neck with the utmost intensity before drawing blood from my lips. It’s hearing _I need you_ and my name being repeated over and over again.

I know you don’t do _I love you_ and you don’t do candlelight dinners for two but that will never matter to me because I know what’s in your heart. I know why it beats and why your blood flows. You keep yourself so guarded but I know how to look now. I know that if I look hard enough, I can see the way you love and the way you love is something beautiful all in itself.

Dean, I’ve needed you for a long time. And I’m going to need you for a lot longer. I’m an angel with no grace and no wings, nothing but the clothes on my back and the breath in my lungs. But I’ll stand before you with as much devotion as I can muster and tell you that _I need you I want you I love you._

So the next time you ask _why me,_ I’ll tell you that I don’t know and that it must be written but inside I’ll know. I’ll know that it’s you because it couldn’t be anyone else.

Signed,

Castiel.


End file.
